Walking Mombie: Parental burn out is feeling all to real

Can we talk about parental burnout for a second? Many of you know how my fall started from my last blog post. I am beyond thankful for Sarah being home with us especially considering how everything last September started off. Having Sarah home has come with a whole new set of responsibilities along with my regular mom duties and all the holidays and now we have entered into one of our house’s birthday seasons. As parents when we find ourselves in a busy season, we chug along getting things done. Inevitably things fall through the cracks but for the most part we get the important stuff done. Every once in a while, at least for me, I completely burnout and crash. Last week was one of those crash weeks.

September 2019, I went on sickness leave. Up to that point that year had been particularly stressful for me as I was dealing with the after math of being attacked in my home. I was trying to manage the kids feeling about all of it as well as Sarah was also having a really rough year. Her struggles may be a blog one day but I need her permission to write all those details. I can say that she was requiring several appointments a week. On top of that 2 other kids were in therapy; I was in therapy and in a support group. My full time job was looking after the mental health of the house, and I could not manage working at the same time. All of the appointments stopped in 2020 of course but then my job became home schooling, stir crazy kids and managing myself as a cabin fevered mom. I started off the home schooling wanting to be the best mom/teacher there every was. I wanted the kids to go back to school the next year and have gotten everything they needed done plus more. I rocked it until the beginning of June. CRASH. Only what had to get done at the point was getting done. I didn’t get up in the morning unless I needed to get someone on a zoom class. My mental health and personal life continued to take hits until in the fall when I had to face that I was deeply depressed. I was so far past burnt out that I was a mombie (mom-zombie). With no in house support I knew this was on me to fix before my kids lost their mom. October 2020, I went on anti-depressants for the first time in 15 year and I’ve been on them since.

I had finished my free therapy and sought a therapist to start dealing with the real issues in my life. In 2021 I began a deep dive in to my mental health and working through the many, many traumas I’d accumulated in my 46 years. Why does all of this have any relevance on my life in 2024. I am far healthier now and have far better supports in place then I did 3 years ago and yet I still burnt out. The difference this time is I feel like my actual mental health is mostly in tact. I have some major processing to do around the accident and almost losing Sarah, but that’s to be expected. That is my current therapy journey. Unlike before I don’t feel emotionally empty or hallow. This time the crash didn’t have me laying in one spot for 27 hours with my shoes still on, completely incapable of being a human, let alone a mom. I am exhausted. I can’t seem to get enough sleep. It’s been almost a week of this and even with sleeping in (great timing of the 3 consecutive snow days) and naps I’m still exhausted. The next wave of I have to get shit done is coming fast. Its January 20 and my Christmas tree is still up, so that’s becoming a priority. The idea of dragging all of those boxes down out of the attic makes me what to go back to bed. Coming up is my birthday, Valentine’s Day (which I do something for the kids), Sarah’s 19th birthday (what a blessing), Nate’s 20th and then Easter. I also have a trip planned in there (yikes). Add to that Sarah’s multiple weekly appointments, trying to purge my house, keeping up with what the kids need for school, regular daily chores and doing my best to make sure each kid feels seen and heard, coming court proceedings and making my relationship a priority its no wonder I’m exhausted. So how do I make it through to my break between Easter and the summer business?

My first thought was to say I don’t get through it, lol. The reality is I don’t get everything done. Sarah will make it to her appointments, I will make it to my appointments, the kids will make it to school and home, but there will be permission slips I miss and day planners I never sign. There will be days I get no house work done and if I’m being real there may even be weeks that nothing gets done. I have to pick and choose daily what I can manage. Will the world end if I don’t get the attic cleaned by spring…no. Do I feel guilty that I don’t go to field trips? Yup! Do I feel mom guilt that I don’t keep on my kids’ asses about homework and cleaning their rooms? Ya, I do. I have to manage the important stuff with the world will keep turning if this doesn’t get done stuff. It all boils down to something along the lines that I pick my battles. This time its not with the kids its with myself. I’ve been through so, so much shit that there are things that just don’t matter as much anymore. I mean don’t get me wrong, when my house is a mess, I do get on edge, but I also want to spend my time with the kids hanging out more than I want to yell about messy rooms; especially since the accident. The sheer clutter in my house right now stresses me out. The fact that I don’t have a room or a sanctuary anymore stresses me out, but seeing my kids wanting to hang out together or watching them make memories with their friends seems more important some days. Fact is that this to shall pass. Its temporary. Both the cluttered house and the wonderful chaotic business of my house. One day, and I do look forward to the day, my house will always be clean, and it will be quiet. Im sure there will be days that I miss the chaos and the noise but for now I need to remember on a daily to give myself credit for small things like keeping the kids alive, keep me alive, keeping a roof over our heads and food in the cupboards. I prioritize those I love over making sure the toilet got cleaned today. It’s more important to me to make the people I love feel special and loved that it is to mop the floors. Those things do get done and I’m teaching the army in this house in participating in managing that part so its not all on me. Mom win, that Elizabeth does all her own laundry and Matthew can clean a toilet! One step, one task and one chore at a time.

I figure I cant be the only parent that is feeling burnt out. I don’t know the reasons you might feel that way but know that you aren’t alone. In the times that you’re in the thick of it remember you have to take care of you first. If that means fuck the dishes, I’m taking a nap, take a nap. The dishes aren’t going to judge you. You have to take time to charge that battery or you will end up in one spot for 27 hours with your shoes still on. I guess this post is just going to be a short one. Crazy thing is I’m feeling guilty for not writing more and for not writing for so long, so I guess cutting myself some slack is still a work in progress. I wanted this one to be profound, insightful and helpful but I think its mostly going to be a short and sweet reminder to myself that I do the best I can on any given day and if my best is that I got the kids to school and back then way to go mom you did it! Being a parent is really, really hard. No matter your situation. Whether you have one kiddo or ten, whether you have a partner or not its really fucking hard some days, so if you only take one thing away from this let it be this…be kind to yourself. Those tiny humans are watching you and learning from you and are likely going to treat themselves the same way you treat yourself. So, love you because you deserve it and so do they.