The Single Parent Plight

I was going to call this the single mother’s plight but I realized that there are many, many fathers that share custody or are raising their children alone so it didn’t seem fair to exclude them. I became a parent over 28 years ago when I was 19, and I still have 11 years to go before my youngest is the age of majority where I live. Being a parent is not for the weak, and being a single parent can be absolutely harrowing. Parents today are expected to be completely available to their children at all times. A sole parent is also expected to financially support their children (obviously). In today’s society good luck finding a family that the parent or the child or both aren’t dealing with mental health issues. What about when you don’t have just one kid but several, like me; should kids be chipping in to help? Parents today are also expected to do it all including all the household chores. How are single parents expected to find time for themselves, or to date. If you are lucky enough to successfully date, do you blend families? The old saying goes “it takes a village” so, who is my village? Being a single parent is unquestionably the most rewarding experience of my life, but its also the most difficult.

Gone are the days when one parent is the bread winner and the other is at home caring for the house and children. Even in two parent families it is rare for one parent to stay home full time; as a single parent it’s impossible. Even so, parents are expected to drop everything at a moments notice to be there for their children. School calls because there is a sick child, you have to leave work. Kid gets suspended for fighting; you have to leave work. Doctors or dentist appointments, you have to miss work. Today, kids aren’t even allowed to walk to school; parents are expected to drop off and pick up, unless you have before and after school care. That’s extremely hard when they are only in school for 6 hours. Even with out school, while at home kids want all your attention. They are so excited to tell you about their day, about their video game, about the drama that’s happening, all while I’m trying to make dinner and clean the house exhausted after work. There is bath time and bedtime tuck ins. I used to be good with bedtime stories, my first had a story every night for years. It was how he fell asleep. My sixth rarely gets ones, and that’s not fair to him, but I’m stretched thin these days. With the inability to be everything to every one of my children I feel like a failure as a parent. I try to connect with each of them as much as possible, but someone is always slipping through the cracks. I often go to bed feeling guilty for not doing enough or being with them enough. I’m the only one they’ve got so its all on me to make sure they know they are loved and do my best not to raise assholes.

As much as I would love to give all my time to my kids and be a stay-at-home parent it’s just not possible as I am the sole bread winner in the house too. I have to work; I don’t have another option. Truth is I actually have 4 jobs outside the home. My Monday to Friday job and three different ones that I can pick up shifts for weekend work, and still I’m not making enough. I’m not making it month to month. Every month is a balancing act of what bills get paid and what bills have to wait until next month. I’m not even paycheck to paycheck, I’m day to day. I don’t even make enough money for the gas to get to work. Who watching the children you ask? Many of the years that I’ve worked I’ve been fortunate enough to get subsidies. Subsidy is great, except my sitters were always making more money than I was to watch my kids. I was missing out on being a mom, while someone else raised my kids and they got more money than me. It made no sense. Pay me to stay home with my kids please! You may be thinking what about child support? Well, I get child support, unfortunately, I can’t always depend on it. It will be super consistent for a long time and then BAM shorted on payments or no payment with zero heads up leaving me to scrabble and fall further into debt. I do, like many parents, receive a government tax benefit for having the kids, but its just not enough. I’m stuck in a hard tax bracket where the help I get isn’t enough. If it was enough, I would still need a job to supplement. I feel very defeated because every month I’m doing all I can and every month I’m falling further behind. It would be nice if there were more programs out there to help single parents supplement some income if they’re working. Something so that they can make money but also be the parent their kids need.

Feeling like a daily failure by not meeting all my kids needs and failing financially its no wonder I’m on medication for depression. Life totally got away from me a couple of years ago. Crazy enough, I was more financially stable but I was in an abusive relationship, my kids were struggling with mental health issues and no matter how hard I tried I just kept sinking lower and lower and this was all before the pandemic hit. Seems like everyone these days has some kind of diagnoses. I have 2 kids diagnosed ADHD, but actually I’d say 5 of the 6 are ADHD just not diagnosed. I have 4 diagnosed with anxiety and three at one time or another diagnosed with depression. Throw into that OCD, borderline personality disorder, some oppositional defiance disorder on top of my own depression and you have a recipe for disaster. I came to a breaking point in the fall of 2021 when my intrusive thought were all about ending my life. When I cried out for help to my ex his response was “I don’t fucking care”. OUCH! It was clear I was in this on my own and I called the Dr. for help; I’ve been on medication since. The medication mixed with therapy and amazing podcasts teaching me about boundaries saved my life; well, that and ending the abusive relationship. Navigating your own mental health can sometimes be extremely challenging and yet as a single parent we’re also expected to navigate and advocate for our children’s mental health. Anyone that has been on that journey knows its even more difficult to advocate for your child than it is for yourself. Professionals didn’t want to listen to me. I knew something was wrong, but I was being looked at like I was making it all up. I asked for help and got referred to a mediocre therapist for my kids which resulted with the counsellor telling me my child was beyond what she was capable of dealing with. Well, no duh, I’d been saying that since day one. Even when you find the right help and the right medication the child has to want to be helped, without their cooperation I just doesn’t work. So once again parent fail!

As previously mentioned, I have 6 kids. Not all the same dad; three dads actually (be shocked if you must, it doesn’t bother me anymore). As an adult I have had 5 serious relationships. The first three involved having children. First one I had one child, second one I had two children and third I had three children. If you see the pattern, it’s a good thing I stopped there and had surgery after the last, ha-ha. My eldest is 28, successful and lives on his own. The other five live with me and range in age from 19 to 8. My 19 year old does work full time and pays a small amount of rent, which as often as I don’t need it, he puts that money towards his braces. He makes more money than I do, but this is the only time that he’s going to get this kind of head start to save and invest, which he is doing, so it’s the least I can do for him. He also buys all his own food and clothes now; so, that is a minor help for me. The other four still being minors are my responsibility to take care of. Remember a long time ago in big families when older siblings helped care for younger siblings to help the parents out? I had been doing that. Allowing them to walk to school together on days I couldn’t drive or big kids babysitting little kids if I wanted to go out or if I had to work. Makes sense, right? Well, I’ve recently been informed that, that is a thing of the past. Ministry came down on me for letting my kids walk to school and for letting my older kids babysit. I was actually forced to sign a document, that I wasn’t even given a chance to read, stating that I would not leave my younger children in the care of my older children. It’s ludicrous. I can’t let a 14, 18 or 19 year old watch an 11 and or 8 year old. I also have to drive them to school every day and find someone to pick them up. Remember me talking about how tight money is; well, I tell ya this isn’t helping my situation. Being a single parent that works all the time I will leave it to your imagination how messy my house can get. Piled up laundry, stacks of dishes, thick dust and a lawn that looks like a jungle. I try to rally the troops to help and sometimes they do and some kids do better than others at helping out regularly but most of the time I’m too tired to do it and, I’m to tired to bitch about it. It does make me wonder what the ministry would think if they knew I made my kids do chores; maybe I’d come up on charges of child labour? Unpopular opinion, kids should help! They should help look after each other and they should help with chores. I believe it helps set them up for the realities of the world like parenthood and general house keeping. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, but I am happy to say all but my 8 year old can cook and bake. At least they will be ahead of the game there.

When do I get time for myself you ask? I don’t get a whole lot and I cherish what I do get. Do I find time to date with this much going on? Actually, I do and that is when I get the time for me. As I mentioned before I’ve been in five serious relationships in my 48 years on this planet. Briefly mentioned the first three. My third relationship was a marriage which sadly (maybe) didn’t last. My fourth relationship was the abusive one I mentioned. Truth is though, through therapy I’ve discovered all of my past relationships have been abusive. Each one I decided I wasn’t going to do that again so I ended up with someone that would abuse me in a different way. Hello childhood trauma! Fortunately, I can say none were physical, although one was heading in that direction. I got out before it went all the way there. I say I’m fortunate, but the truth is any kind of abuse is not ok and the wounds you can’t see are difficult to heal from. When someone has multiple abusive relationships like I did, one just starts to think its normal to have your partner make you feel like shit all the time. Almost two years of therapy and I am finally seeing my own worth! I don’t want to spend too much time on the fourth, but I will say it was the worst and it took me the longest to get out of. One part of that one that was also different than the others before was the attempt to blend our families. Single parents dating single parents, what is the secret to blending a family? It was so difficult. I have my parenting style, he had his, and they were not the same. It was a complete mess. Eventually I gave up and decided to nacho parent…you know, not your parent-nacho parent. He didn’t like that he said I was giving up on his daughter but, it gave me peace not parenting his child because he wouldn’t give me any authority to parent anyway, and he still wanted all the authority to parent my kids. It was total bull shit. So now I’m in relationship number 5. I’m a single parent once again dating a single parent (even though I swore never again, here I am!). So, for us the secret of blending is we are not going to blend. My kids and home are my kids and home. His kids and home are his kids and home. We all hang out but I don’t parent his kids and he doesn’t parent mine and we will not live together until all these children are grown. Individually, we both have a lot on our plates and mixing that shit together would not be good for anyone. You might think it sounds like a hassle but it’s working and gives us both some much needed “alone” time just with each other that we cherish and appreciate so much more. As far as alone, alone time, I get lots of that on my drives to and from work and besides he’s way too cute to not spend as much time with him as I can. And yes, I have learned enough from the past four to make sure this one is a healthy relationship with all the boundaries and open communication anyone could ask for.

What parenting comes down to single or not is who else is there to help you; who is in your village? This is particularly important to single parents. Who is there to help support you and your kids. For me I have some, although not as much as I would like or as much as I need. My kids’ school, for the most part, have been a big part of the village. They have supported my kids’ through their learning challenges and during the pandemic brought us weekly hampers. I have been on a first name basis with most of their teachers and the administration, at both the elementary and high schools. I am sponsored by a local church and receive monthly food hampers and Christmas gifts which has been a life saver. I’ve made some friends in my community that I’m able to ask to watch the kids or walk the kids at a moments notice. I have a great pediatrician that’s been wonderful to three of my kids. I have some fantastic, amazing, incredible friends and family that’s always there when I need to vent, rescue me in a jam or fix my van. With all my money troubles as of late, I would not even be able to drive to work at all if it weren’t for my parents. What more do I need? I need more community financial supports. More programs to help when money is so tight that I have to chose between gas and food. There really should be some kind of financial support for parents that can’t work. For awhile I was managing my kid’s mental health appointments 5 days a week, and sometimes more than one in the day. I wasn’t able to work. I feel for families that have similar situations, or autistic kids. Being a coupled parent is difficult with an autistic child but being single must be near impossible on those days that the child is just not going to do the day. I don’t have an autistic child but I have one that sometimes just can’t do the day and its rough. So many times, I’ve been at work and had to come home, or been almost at work and had to turn around. That’s a missed day of work and missed day of pay that is so desperately needed. Where is the village to help with that. Ya, ya there is a disability tax credit, but its only $150 a month and ends at 18 and many kids with big issues are still living at home well after 18. There just needs to be more out there to help single parents when they are in desperate situations. I don’t want to have to chose between my child’s health and a paycheck.

I suppose that all sounded like a big long rant about how much parenting sucks. It does sometimes and if you say it doesn’t, you’re lying. That’s also not to say that this isn’t the best thing I have ever done with my life. All I ever wanted, since I was a little kid, was to be a parent. I have six of the most incredible human being that I get to be a mom to. Being a single parent has its good points too. I never have to argue over whether or not I parented right or wrong or whether or not I agree with how someone else parented. I don’t have to consult on consequences, or expect someone else to follow through on something I’ve said or visa versa. I can sleep in a bed with out hanging on to the covers for dear life. I’m not kept awake with snoring and the remote is always mine! It’s all me! I get to chose the right and wrong. I have made some doozies of mistakes that I’m sure my kids will need therapy over it but, I keep trying and I keep evolving and I keep trying to do better. It’s not about what I do, it’s about what I do next! So far, I have been a single parent more than I have been an attached parent and I seem to be doing ok. Maybe one of the kids will write their own essay one day on all the ways their mom fucked them up but until then I’ll just keep on swimming. Parenting isn’t for the weak and single parenting takes a super hero. If you have the time or the means to be a part of a single parent’s village, do it. We are doing the job of 2 people, and sometimes more with working and parenting. With all the evidence on supporting our children’s social emotional needs as well as financial and trying to add self care, there isn’t enough time in the day to not have any help. We can always use some more supports, even if its just someone to have a glass of wine with, but shhhh don’t tell the ministry.