Teenage Adults: Quick Move Out While You Still Know Everything

Can we talk about teenagers for a second…again? It’s a parent’s job to protect our kids from some of the hard realities of the world. Not all of them, but definitely some of the struggles we face are not necessary for them to know. Shielding them from all of it is absolutely impossible though. Kids want to have the expensive shoes or the new gaming console that their friends have, and if mom doesn’t have the money, they’re going to know that. Being in abusive relationships is hard to hide from kids. Loud arguments, mom crying in the bedroom and all the other things that come along with it isn’t hidden either. All of our past traumas from childhood to present makes up the people we are today. I try to hide those things from the kids because some of its too much for me to handle some days, and I don’t want them to know everything that I have been through in life. As they get older though, and they are in that wonderful part, of adolescence and young adulthood, that they think they know everything and start to tell you how you need to live your life and how you should be parenting their younger siblings, is a good time to let them in on some of the harder parts of life. I am an abuse survivor that is still in the process of rebuilding myself. What happens when the kids you have poured your whole life into have learned what your relationships have shown them too well? What about when you have done everything you can for a child to the point you have nothing left to give anyone and they tell you that you are never there for them? These are somethings I’ve been mulling over and thought if I write them out maybe I’ll find some answers, or maybe someone will have some insights for me.

I’ve been in therapy to deal with different traumas many times in my life. Most recently I have been in consistent therapy doing EMDR for the last 2 years. As a side note, I highly recommend EMDR. It’s a far faster way to work through traumas than traditional psychotherapy. I have made my way through a lot in the last 2 years, and still have a long way to go. That maybe gives you a little insight on how much I have sheltered my kids from? Let’s touch on a few things… I became a mom by surprise when I was 19. I was a baby myself with a very naïve view of the world. One, that in a lot of ways, I still have. It was right at a time that parenting was changing from spankings to time outs so there were a lot of mixed messages between my elders and the new studies. I knew there were somethings I wanted to change from my childhood and I think I have succeeded with some of them and I definitely have failed with others. At 48 I’ve learned to cut myself some slack for back then because I was a kid raising a kid. We grew up together. Even as recently as last year I’ve learned from my own parenting mistakes. As our children grow and are no longer children its easier to relate to them as adults and have more adult conversations. That’s fine, but I made the mistake of, in a way, forgetting that he was my child. I was telling him as my friend how bad the relationship was, and he as my son wanted to protect me and his siblings. I learned that there are lines even with our adult children that shouldn’t be crossed. As his mom I can bare the weight of helping him in is relationship stuff; it was not fair to expect the same in return from him.

There is this idea in our minds that our parents are infallible. I’m guilty of this. Even recently still forgetting that my parents are human with all their own histories that shaped them. To our kids were super heroes. Little bodies believing with their whole hearts the gifts they give us with Worlds best mom, #1 MOM, and saying “you’re the best mommy ever”. We’re on such a high pedestal how could we not come crashing down eventually. Its inevitable, we do eventually fall and when it happens it fucking hurts. I don’t mean the part that I’m not idealized anymore. I mean the part that even though I’m not idealized I’m still not looked at like I’m just a human; I have human flaws and I make mistakes. I break sometimes and I need to take time to heal. They don’t see the deep wounds of my past. They don’t know the all traumas I’ve lived through that sometimes make it hard to breath. The ones that I didn’t think I would live through; the ones that even after time has passed can still sneak up on me and kick me in the gut, and as my children they shouldn’t know about these things. To them I’m mom, and no matter what’s happened or what’s happening I’m supposed to execute that role flawlessly all the time. I’m not allowed an off day, or an off month, or an off year. At any given time, I am doing the best I can in that moment. Is it always the best scenerio? Nope. Do I keep moving forward and keep trying. I sure do. During some off times I have made some epic mistakes. Things that changed my kids, and not in good ways. The kinds of things that at 48 they will be talking about in therapy. Even so, I pick myself up, dust myself off and do better tomorrow. Sometimes though, it feels like I’m not allowed to change and grow and heal if it doesn’t fit their idea of who I am or who I’m supposed to be. Abuse is life changing. Studies have shown it changes our brain chemistry and healing from it isn’t instantaneous. Through the healing process I believe its normal, and expected, for me to not be the same person as I was before it all started. I’ve been learning how to set boundaries and to put myself first. Put my oxygen mask on, and then, help the kids with theirs. That’s not been the norm for me because of my people pleasing and codependent ways;I've made it so I ignore my own needs to make sure everyone else’s needs are met. Now, because of this there is push back, and accusations that I am no longer parenting. The difference is, I’m not giving everything of myself and then burning out because I’m not taking care of my needs. I’ve been focusing on myself and my mental health and my needs. Was there a pendulum swing too far one way? Absolutely there was! Did I stop caring for my children during that? Absolutely not. I was just less present for a little while, while I was getting used to not feeling like a human piece of shit all the time. Do I feel massive guilt about this? You betcha, but the littles wanted me around more and so I’m around more or I bring them with me and/ or give them the option of coming with me. Everything else used to come before me. I was a mom first and a person second. This is backwards! I understand their confusion, but I’m a person first trying to teach my kids to take care of their needs before other peoples and to have boundaries and to be able to say no. Did you know that "No" is a full sentence? That was news to me recently. I’m still a good mom; I’m just not a door mat anymore.

I listened to a podcast this week about the mothers wound. When it started, I thought I was going to feel super defensive about being the cause of all my kids’ problems, but that’s not what the mothers wound is at all. In its simplest explanation, it’s a generational wound women carry and pass down to their daughters (or sons); its formed because of everything that’s been given up to be a mother and maintained by the dysfunctional coping strategies that we have. On the pod cast, she talked about the rage mothers feel about being mothers and giving up their lives to motherhood and the subtle ways we, unconsciously, take this rage out on our children. At first, I was thinking that I couldn’t relate to this. I wanted to be a mom since I was a little girl. I love being a mom and although I’m not perfect, I don’t have any rage towards them, even unconsciously. After the podcast had processed a little, and after a difficult week, I was thinking about this mother’s rage again. I still don’t think I have rage but I do have an incredible amount of sadness. For decades now I have given of my self to my kids. Did all the mom things. Worked to provide for them but also dropped everything to be there if they needed me. Tried to help make good core memories with them and give them as many fun experiences as I could. I’ve cried myself to sleep at night worrying that I’ve made the wrong choices. I’ve stressed about how I was going to financially make through the week, or how to pull off birthdays and Christmas’ with no money. I’ve been an advocate against bullies, for their education, their physical and mental health. I’ve run myself into the ground driving to countless appointments, stayed in hospitals for days on end, laid with them while they’ve cried after break ups, picked them up intoxicated in the middle of the night when I had to be up at 6am to go to work. Taken them of trips, done so many crafts and had countless movie nights. I’ve tried to make sure they feel seen and heard and worked to get to know each of them as an individual all to be told I’m never there for them. All to be told all they want is a mother, and someone that cares about them. Do I feel rage over this? No. I’m heart broken. I’m devastated that they don’t see it. What they see is that I’m selfish, and that I’m not running to their rescue as much anymore. They don’t see that as they get older, they have a responsibility to take care of themselves more; to be responsible for their own mental health, and they need to meet me part way to have a functioning adult relationship. They are failing to see that I work 6 plus days a week to try to keep them in the house they love. They forget that I had to rebuild myself after the past 7 years or that while I was keeping them all afloat, I was drowning. They don’t see that I’m human. They’re still in their little kid brain thinking that I’m the #1 mom that’s just not showing up for them anymore. I wouldn’t change anything I have done for any of them. It has been my pleasure and honor being mom to each of them, but it makes me sad that I will likely never be recognized for all I have done; I will only be reminded of how I’ve failed.

So, when is enough, enough. When do I say that "its time little birdy to leave the nest"? When do I tell them they should move out and really see what adulting is like while they still have all the answers. I mean it would likely better our relationship if we all didn’t live together. I was asked to leave when I turned 19. I came back for 6 months when I was pregnant until Stephen was 3 months old. Stephen left the winter after he graduated. I haven’t experienced older teens still living at home. Almost 30 years as a parent and I’m still navigating new stuff. Teenagers are really fucking hard. I think I said that last time. It’s the truth though, they are so fucking hard. 13-17 they are my responsibility to care for. I need to clothe them, feed them and provide shelter. I do my best to keep my cool and try to guide them, all while they are fighting for their autonomy. Teenagers can be egocentric, abusive little assholes, and we take it because we love them and, maybe like me, you remember being that age and how hard it was. It doesn’t last forever. That doesn’t mean it gets easy after 17 though. After 18 the government stops helping financially, after 19 child support stops, but when does my responsibility to care for their base needs stop. Don’t come at me…I am their mom and always be. I want to be there for them in anyway I can for the rest of my life. What I mean is, when does their easy ride end? 18? 25? 35? Another 6-7 years and their prefrontal cortex’s will be fully developed; just in time for my youngest’s to be telling everyone how they should be living their lives because they will be the ones that now know everything. For now, I’m dealing with the arrogance and disrespect of teenage adults that think they know how to adult better than I do. I'm not an expert but I do have more year practicing than they do. I think I’m off in the weeds now and this could turn into an angry rant so I should pull this back in.

I love my kids to the moon and back. They are all really amazing, talented and astonishingly unique individuals. I have loved (almost) every minute of being their mom. I am so proud of the things that they have all accomplished despite all the fuck ups I’ve had. I look at them and I feel impressed with myself sometimes that I brought these people into this world, and have gotten them all to where they are. They are all so different from each other and all have their own minds. They are outspoken and able to advocate a lot for themselves now, and I did that! I know I have just spent a bunch of time complaining. That wasn’t really my intent. I’m an overwhelmed, overworked, under appreciated mom looking for answers, or at least people that have been where I am and can help me with their wisdom. This is all new to me and not something that I can even call on my own experiences. The short time that I did move back home I was not the same disrespectful asshole I had been 8 months before, when I moved out. I don’t know how to do this or even if I can. I don’t know how I can stay on my healing path and meet the expectations of the other “adults” in the house. I feel very alone and isolated in this and quite honestly worried that I’ll be attacked for telling my truth. I was hoping for some clarity. At the beginning I was wanting to tell them “You think you have it so bad? Well, X Y Z, happened to me!” Now I don’t think that’s the way to go. They don’t need to carry my traumas, just like they don’t need to take care of my feeling. So, I guess that’s the answer. This is what being a mom is sometimes. Taking care of everyone and making sure I don’t put my big feelings on them like a teenager would. My life experiences make me better equip to deal with their emotions then they are able to deal with mine. I guess thanks for letting me rant, but if anyone does have any pearls of wisdom, I’m all ears!