Step-Parenting: Can We Get A Round Of Applause?

Can we talk about step parents for a second? Ideally, we meet someone fall in love have a family and live happily ever after. Unfortunately for many of us that’s not the case. Sometimes there’s meet, have a baby, the end or some variation in between that and the happily ever after. The best most of us can hope for after a separation is peaceful co-parenting. I think for the most part that’s what everyone wants; at least in the beginning they want to try, that is until an outside person becomes an inside person and becomes a significant person to your children. In my experience it can cause a lot of problems. I can’t really talk about being a step parent until I talk about being the mom of kids that have “step parents”. It can be a really hard road to navigate for both sides. It can be really hard to accept the other person, that you may or may not know, taking over a role that is supposed to be reserved for you. On the other side as a step parent do you jump in both feet and parent the kids or do you stay on the side lines? What about blending families with kids on both sides? What happens if the blended family has a new baby together. There are so many dynamics involved, so many personalities and moving parts. In a perfect situation everyone gets along and works together to try and raise tiny humans to not be assholes but the reality is a lot of the time step parenting can be harder than parenting and it’s even more thankless.

I’ve learned a lot in the almost 30 years that I’ve been sharing kids and to be honest it wasn’t an easy road and I made some awful mistakes. So back to the beginning; I learned that there was potential for another woman to be a part of my kids’ life and I panicked. I was young and baby dad wasn’t even in the picture, but my young mind was afraid that now that he was attached, he was going to want an instant family and come and take mine. I had no idea how the court system worked; all I could see was that I was single and on welfare and that he was working and, in a relationship, and that a judge would give my baby to him if he asked. So, I beat him to the punch (that didn’t exist) and took him to court so I could secure myself as my child’s mom. It took about a year but I succeeded. Crazy thing was that by doing this dad became a part of the picture and then so, did his girlfriend so that backfired. For the first several weeks he came alone to get to know our child and this weird thing happened to me. That fairy tale of mom, dad and baby was right there in my apartment. I felt I was entitled to him; he should be with me because we have a child and she should just go away. In walks jealousy. When I finally met her, I didn’t even give her the slightest chance and, I did not like her. She had what I wanted; therefore, she was the enemy. My kiddo really liked her and her family. They were really good to him and completely accepted him, and I couldn’t stand it. I made both of their lives really hard in very subtle and not subtle ways. I was totally unfair. I think about her often. Whether I had anything to do with the demise of their relationship or not I have no idea but I do feel bad. I’ve often thought about reaching out and apologizing but we are so far removed from it now that I’m sure she’s way moved on. I do hope she did find happiness and hope that she never had to deal with anything like me again.

My second go around was a little different. I really didn’t want to be with baby dad so I had no reason to be jealous. The woman that stepped in to the parent role was someone that was already close to my kiddo so the only real transition for him was to shift her role in his life. I think that it was probably much easier than a stranger coming in and trying to convince a child that they love him because the fact is he knew she did without a doubt. Through that relationship she and I had our struggles but I completely think it was caused by baby dad. I think he liked the drama and wanted there to be conflict over him. Like I said though, I didn’t want to be with him so there was a lot shaking my head. No matter what was happening in my relationship with her I always knew she had my kids back. She would do what was in his best interest every time even if it meant she was going to catch shit for it and I always appreciated that about her. These days she and baby dad aren’t together anymore and we call each other baby mama! I am proud to share my kid with her and she deserves some of the credit in the amazing human we have raised, who is not an asshole!!! Yay us baby mama!!! She’s one of the important people in my life and I’m always happy to hear of our kids’ visits to her. Even rocky step parenting starts can have happy endings!

Being a step parent isn’t just dating someone that has children. Its forming a bond with the kids and having a role in their lives. I have dated 3 men with children and my experience has been different every time. The first time I was all in with these three sweet little monkeys. I wanted to give them the best life I could and have them feel like they were family. Unfortunately, and fortunately, the relationship ended before I could make all that happen. It’s been almost 20 years and I still have a relationship with them (the kids). I didn’t raise them but I always cared and kept in contact and they are my family and I do love them. My biggest step mom role lasted almost 7 years. I was there, before, the beginning. When I found out that she was going to be a girl and I went and bought all new born baby girl supplies. I even got her a pack and play, a crib and a bed set. I knew she was not going to be my baby but I was excited to be a part of her village like my baby mama had been for me. I wanted to be a help to her mom and be a team! THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED!!! Remember how I was feeling about my kids first sorta step mom. Well, ya, it was that but worse. A lot of her actions I called before she’d done it because it was things that I’d thought of doing or had done. I felt like I had more understanding of her because I’d been there. There was a difference though. When I was having bad behaviors, I was in my early 20’s and now we were all in our 40’s and should know better. Even so I did try to be tolerant. However, my patience only goes so far. My experience with this woman was off the charts crazy. That sweet little girl started calling me mom. Likely, because that’s what I was called by everyone, but that was not allowed. This woman came in to my home on Christmas eve and assaulted me because her 2 year old daughter called me mom. She some how was able to manipulate the legal system to have way too much control over my me, my children and my home. It was awful. As much as I miss that little girl, I am glad to be rid of her mom’s jealousy. I’ll talk about my third experience in a bit.

Being a step mom consistently for about 6 years (even though I was there for 7) had so many challenges. I was right there along for the fight to have the right to be a part of this baby’s life and just before she was a year old we got that chance. I wanted her to feel special and to feel on the inside and not like an outsider in the family. I really tried to make everything even and “fair”. It wasn’t fair or equal and never was going to be. I tried to treat her the same as I treated my own children but that was not how Dad was treating her. We did not have her full time so Dad didn’t want to spend the time correcting her behaviors’ and eventually everyone was becoming resentful. She got special treatment. I’d get angry that my children would be disciplined and for the same things she would not. That to me was not fair. It also started to give her an intitled attitude towards all of us because she knew she could what ever she wanted and nothing would happen. I was really hard because we all love her dearly and everyone would be excited that it was a day she was coming over and then she’d get here and it wasn’t good anymore. There was a real dynamic shift every time. It was so frustrating because I was aware it was not her fault. She was just a sweet little girl looking for boundaries that she was not being given. You may be thinking “Ok Dione, then why didn’t you just do it?” Let me tell ya….like I said for years I tried to do everything fair and equal and treat her the same but then I was accused of hating her and being mean to her and only buying her things (like clothes that fit) out of guilt so I stopped and started something different.

Have you heard of nacho parenting? “Not your” parenting…this was the way I started to approach the situation. I was not perfect because he was not nacho parenting but it was saving my sanity. Nacho parenting is not ignoring the child or giving up on them, like I was accused of doing. Basically, I turn all parenting over to the actual parent unless the parent is not around and then I do what I would be for any child that the parent was not around. I still loved her. I still fed her. I still hugged and kissed her but I did not buy her necessities anymore because that’s a parent’s job. I did not correct behaviors’ when Dad was around because that was a parent’s job. I did not tell her to get into the bath or brush her teeth or tuck her in because that’s a parent’s job. I would do those things if he was not around to do them kinda like I was babysitting. I said I would talk about my third experience in a relationship in a bit and its because this is what I am doing now. There was a discussion about parenting each other’s kids and how we do not want to do that. My kids have been through too much they don’t need another person coming in and parenting them. His kids have both their parents very active in their lives and they don’t need me stepping into that role. We also parent a little differently and it might cause issues if we tried to meld things in that way. We also don’t live together which helps and we don’t plan to. Are the kids expected to follow the rules in which ever house they are in…absolutely. If I’m alone with the kids or visa versa, will we call out unwanted behavior…you betcha. Most of the time though he’s just their friend and mom’s boyfriend and I’m just the kid’s friend and Dad’s girlfriend. There is a lot of kindness and respect in what we are doing and a lot less arguing about how to do it the “right way”. It may not be for everyone but it definitely works for us.

Blending families when both partners already have children can be very complicated. The situation I was in while trying to blend was a little different because she wasn’t here when the relationship started and then when she was, she was a baby so everyone just loved on her. When you have children already when you start the relationship and so does your new partner it can poses a lot of hurdles. You could decide, like me, not to co-habitat and then blending isn’t an issue, but many couples have a similar situation and do decide to live together. I have the kids 99.9% of the time and he shares 50/50. How do you then split up rooms. Do full time kids share with part time kid or do part time kids share and full time kids share. What if you decide to have an “our baby”. A baby that is related to everyone in the house. Sounds like a great idea until regular sibling squabbles start because the child is the baby of the family and gets to live with both their parents and every one else has a parent that lives somewhere else. If everyone gets along in all the families things would run smoother but that is rarely the case. Inevitably, someone on the outside of the family is not going to like the situation and demand their child has something different than what they do, for example they have their own room. In the late 90’s there was a show called Ally McBeal. That’s not all that important, but in one the first episodes she was asked in the bathroom why her problems were more important than anyone else’s. Her reply was “because they’re mine”. That always really resonated with me because its true in most cases and, if you apply it to your child living in another home in a blended family. Why is your child more important than anyone else’s? Because they’re mine. That’s not the truth all the kids matter and it should be as equal as possible but, good luck getting everyone on the same page.

I said in the beginning that being a step parent is harder than parenting and a thankless job. Again, this is only basing things off one of my experiences. I worked full time and was the only bread winner in the house. I did a lions share of the house work and meals. I made sure no one went with out and for a long time the only one making sure that the bonus baby had everything she needed. Even with that I was the enemy. I was trying to take her daughter for my own. I was trying to add to my collection. I was trying to turn her against her mom. Nothing could be further from the truth. I would have preferred to be friends with mom and not terrified she was going to attack me again. There was absolutely awful things said about me in the littles presence, which is not ok. Lots of things came out of the mouth of that babe. Now that that relationship is no longer, I often wonder how the care of her is going and if there is any appreciation for everything that I did do. I wonder if she wishes she’d been nicer to me and realizes that I kept her daughter safe. Not likely and I’ll never really know. Full circle I guess; me wanting to reach out to the first and apologize, to wondering if the last wants to do that as well. Different sides of the same coin and I’m on both sides.

So, what have I learned about being a step parent? Not a whole lot. Every situation is different and if nothing else its super important to sit down with your new partner and discuss your expectation. How are you going to discipline the kids? Does everyone have the same rules and if they don’t are you ok with that? Are you going to parent your partners kids and visa versa? How are you going to handle the other parents if it’s high conflict. The dream of the Brady Bunch is just that, a dream. The kids all got along (mostly….Marsha Marsha, Marsha, hahaha). They had a maid and didn’t seem to have to share the kids with their former spouses. I would assume that having a maid and no exes would make any blended family’s life easier hahaha. Open communication is key. We aren’t blending but we do spend a lot of time together and sometimes there are behaviors that happen on one side or the other and instead of getting anger and pointing fingers it’s brought up respectfully and explained why it’s a problem and then discussed how to handle it in the future. Holy shit for healthy relationships!!! Is there hope for step parents? There totally is! There are healthy step parenting relationships that everyone involved gets along. I talked about that in the Father’s Day post. I have also seen it were it’s the women that get along. I truly believe that, that’s what I’m going to find myself in this time (even though I’m not parenting hahaha). For all the ones out there that don’t find themselves in a dream but in a nightmare, do your best. Always, always do what’s best for the kiddo. Show kindness and respect to the bio baby mama or dad because your bonus kid loves them, and that should be all that really matters.