My Brain Hates Me: Healthy Relationship After So Many Toxic Ones

Can we talk about relationships…again? If you read the last relationship post you are aware that I am in a very happy and healthy relationship for the first time in my life. So, why would I want to write another relationship post so soon after the first one? Just because it’s a healthy relationship doesn’t mean it’s easy. He is still amazing and this actually has very little to do with him, if anything. This is all me. This is about what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship after so many toxic ones. It’s not what you might think. Everything is exactly what I’ve always wanted, and my brain is still fucked from everything that came before. I was thinking that I can’t be the only one out there that has or is experiencing this, and if that is the case, I thought it might be nice for other people to know they’re not alone.

I’ve experienced a lot of abuse and manipulation in my past relationship and as such I have a very hard time trusting myself and my own intuition. Although, looking back at old journals my intuition was bang on, and I chose to ignore it. Either way, that leaves me thinking I can’t trust myself or my choices. I was manipulated so much that I felt like I was lucky to be where I was and who I was with. I didn’t feel good enough in any area of my life and that was because I was essentially told that I wasn’t good enough, therefore the fact the he loved me with all my baggage was a miracle. The arguments always included that he didn’t say I wasn’t good enough, which is true, but when he was consistently telling me all the ways I was failing, falling short or not meeting his needs, how could I possibly feel any other way than, not good enough. I spent so much of my time trying to change, to be the person he was saying that he needed me to be. Whenever I was told that something I was doing bothered him I would work to change it so that it didn’t bother him anymore. At the same time as this was happening, I was also learning that this was not a two-way street. I would build the courage to, respectfully, ask that something not be said anymore or done a certain way, but my request was always met with anger, defensiveness and followed by the silent treatment. In the beginning if I even wanted to watch something, on my tv, that wasn’t what he wanted to watch he would just go home and sometimes not talk to me for days after. After we lived together, if I disagreed in anyway with him, I could expect to be ignored for the next 3 to 5 days. I’d be gaslit into believing that everything that had happened was somehow my fault and that I needed to change that so it didn’t happen again, or we would continue on with life like nothing happened at all until the next argument when it would be brought up again. It became very difficult to have a differing opinion, or to have any feelings of my own because I was afraid of getting in trouble. Being in therapy I began to get healthier and started to see that I was allowed to have a different opinion and that I was allowed to disagree. Having my own mind and expressing it can be done in a way that is respectful and doesn’t need to be a shouting match. I was never trying to win anything; I only wanted to be heard. The fact that it would start an argument was dysfunctional and toxic and I knew that the relationship was doomed unless he wanted to work on himself like I had been. He didn’t want to so the inevitable happened and things ended. Now, I’m in a relationship that my opinion is valued and I’m asked to speak up and to be honest about my feelings. The build up in my mind of saying how I’m feeling or talking about something that is bothering me, gives me so much anxiety it makes me feel nauseous. What the hell is wrong with me? I knew being with someone that wasn’t seeing me as a person wasn’t ok, but everyone else was telling me how great he was or that this is the one, or I should take a chance. I got really good at hiding how things really were. I spent so long not believing my gut that now I question what’s right in front of me. Not long ago, for instance, I had a simple question to ask and because it was something that I’d been thinking about and curious about I was scared shitless to bring it up. I wanted to call a girlfriend instead; which I didn’t do. I was afraid that this was the thing that was going to have him get angry at me for the first time. I imagined him getting mad and accusing me of not trusting him. I’m a classic overthinker! You know what happened instead? He answered the question. He was honest, not defensive and validated my feeling. He let me know he was fine with me asking him anything. I told him that I gave myself a lot of anxiety about asking him because I was afraid of his reaction and I thanked him, essentially, for being him. His response was that he will always be honest with me and he had no reason to be defensive. The sense of relief I felt was instant quickly followed with “what the fuck is wrong with me that I would think that he would have been anyone but who he is”. He reacted exactly the way our history would tell me he’d react. He is not the enemy here, my brain is. I struggle in my head often, making up the worst case scenarios based on the things that have happened in my past, but that’s not who he is or what he’s like. It’s taking time to rewire the programming that I’ve been running with for so long. While I am doing that, I am trying to be kind to myself while I face my fears head on and talk to him when I’m scared to. The more I experience his normal safe reactions the easier it is to believe that I can trust him, he is safe and he’s not trying fooling me or anyone else into believing he is someone he’s not. He is who he is, and thank goodness he’s as patient with me as he is.

As if this wasn’t bad enough it gets worse. I have a very poor self body image. It started when I was really young and was re-enforced through my teens and in relationships. That doesn’t particularly jive with the other thought I have; my worth in relationships hinges on my weight and my sexuality. Again, that is not the message I am receiving in this relationship; this is the message that I tell myself. Although, I’m not a super thin girl I should be very pleased with the way I look. I’m almost 50, I’ve had 6 kids and for that I look damn good according to most people’s standards. So, what’s the problem? Times when I have been thinner than I am now are the times that men paid attention. This includes in my relationships. Its very ingrained in me that I am only desirable if I’m thinner than I am now. When I’m not comfortable with the way I look intimacy becomes more difficult for me. I get stuck in my head thinking he not going to remain attracted to me if I look like this. Then I get worried, because if my value is in my sexuality and my body, and I’m having issues being sexual, then it’s inevitable that he’s going to cheat, right? If he’s not getting anything from me, he’s getting it from somewhere, right? Truth is in some of the big 4 relationships even if he was getting “it” from me he was still getting it elsewhere, so that theory can go to hell. If he’s getting sex from me and someone else then that had nothing to do with my weight; so, that just feeds back into “I’m not good enough”. If I’m not good enough then what can I do to fix it? If he doesn’t want me there must be something else wrong with me and if there’s something else wrong then he’s going to leave. Round and round we go in a vicious cycle of intrusive thoughts. Being cheated on is something that so many people face. It sucks but people get past it, either in that relationship or in the next one. So, even though its damaging its was not as damaging as being insulted to my face and behind my back. Imagine the person that you are in a relationship with, the person that supposedly loves you, telling people that you physically disgusted him or that you’re a pig. My body disgusted him! That one is still a real mind fuck. Now maybe it makes sense why I get stuck in my head. These days I look at this man in front of me that I find so incredibly attractive and I feel unworthy. I have thick thigh, cellulite and stretch marks, I have a giggly mommy tummy and I have about 20 extra pounds I’d like to drop. I have to work very hard to stay out of my own head and try to see myself through his eyes. What does he see when he looks at me? He looks at me like he’s in awe, like I’m beautiful to behold, like he feels like the lucky one. He tells me and his friends that I’m gorgeous. There is so much love and compassion in his eyes. I struggle to see myself that way, but I am trying.

I’m so fortunate to be with a man that is kind, gentle and patient. He doesn’t guilt me or pressure me into being physical; he doesn’t get angry when I don’t want to be touched or tell me I don’t meet his needs, and he doesn’t tell me it’s my duty as his partner to satisfy him. Yup, that’s happened too. Not only that, but at one point when I was trying to assert my bodily autonomy, I said that I didn’t feel like being touch; he got so angry and flippantly asked if he was supposed to ask permission every time if he could touch me. I said he should ask anyone including me before he touches them. I went on to say that it was my body, and not his to do with as he pleased. HOLY SHIT, the fight after that comment lasted hours. I was his and there for it was his body, and how dare I call him a rapist. He was disgusted and felt sick that I would say such a thing. That’s what he took from telling him it was my body. Again, in a sarcastic way I was asked if he should refer to me to “make the first move” from then on. I liked that idea and said yes. That was another shit storm because if that was going to be the case then he was never going to get “any” ever again. What I learned was my body was not my own and it was my duty to give him what he wanted when he wanted it, and if I refused, I’d be punished through guilt, silences or dramatics. If I didn’t instantly consent, I’d be pressured until I relented. So, as often as I could muster the strength, I would do my duty and either cry through it or after role over and cry myself to sleep because it was easier than saying no. I’ve learned recently that this is called sexual coercion and it’s sexual abuse. Enthusiastic consent is a new buzz phrase I’ve been hearing. In the most basic definition enthusiastic consent is saying yes to any kind of physical touch with out doubt. Being guilted, pressured, punished, name called, touched until giving in or the fear of any of these is coercion and it’s not ok. Giving in to save yourself from later consequences isn’t consent it’s abuse. I was under the impression that because I allowed things to happen there was nothing wrong with what was going on. I wasn’t trusting myself, again, and I couldn’t understand why I’d feel gross, why I’d cry myself to sleep or why it all felt so wrong because, I’d allowed it to happen. That is not the way things are now, I can’t even imagine him accepting anything except enthusiastic consent. Even with this, my brain is the enemy. I get scared that I can’t trust my instincts and that he’d be angry if I wasn’t “in the mood”. Trauma lives in the body. My body knew something was off before I did. All the feelings I was having, all the tears I was crying were trying to tell me that this was not ok. My brain may hate me sometimes but, my body knows the truth. I still have a hard time allowing myself to trust what I feel, but in this one area I don’t feel as broken anymore. Now, I feel protected and safe; safe to say no, to say not tonight, to say I don’t want to do that or I’m not ready, and when I go to sleep, I feel protected and at peace. The only tears I’ve cried have been because I feel safe and its foreign, and the sadness I feel for the girl that I was.

Being in a healthy loving relationship is incredible. It’s honestly more than I could have ever dreamed it would be, and still I struggle. The battle is no longer with my partner it’s with myself. It’s all in my head and often a topic in my therapy sessions. I reprocess something that’s come up and I think I’m all good until I’m triggered by something I didn’t even know was an issue. Going back to my body knows, it’s what I trust the most. When something is off, I have a panic attack now. Severe ones sometimes. So bad that I can’t breathe and I get very light headed. They’re the worst when I’m driving and I feel like I’m going to pass out if I don’t pull over. While its happening part of my brain is telling me that I’m over reacting. That’s the internal battle. I have to remind myself I can’t will a panic attack to happen. I’m not being over dramatic because 99% of the time I’m alone. I’m not putting on a show for anyone. My brain is logical and I’m forced to concede that the only reason that its happening is because my body is reacting to something that’s not ok or that wasn’t ok. Once I accept what’s happening it’s validating. I’m not crazy. I was not treated well and I can see that now, and there is a lot of healing that needs to happen before I’m ok. You know what…that’s ok because I’m doing it. The point of this wasn’t to air dirty laundry and the experiences are a mixture of the big 4. I think what I’m going through is normal after everything that’s happened. I think acknowledging that its not easy, seeing the areas I need help with, facing my challenges and not defecting my problems onto a wonderful man that didn’t cause them is a major step in the right direction. Happily ever after isn’t something that is going to happen with out some hard work on both our parts. I used to think that being in a relationship meant being with someone whose shit you could handle. It’s not…it’s being with someone that can handle their own shit while you handle yours. I’m not saying you can’t support your person while they do that. Some days after therapy I really just need to go curl into him and find peace in the cuddle. He’s not fixing anything for me, he’s just supporting me while I fix me, and I do the same for him. If you’ve experience abuse and now you find yourself with someone that is not that way its ok if that’s hard to accept; its ok if you don’t trust it at first, you’ve been through a lot. Don’t stay in that though. You have to heal. You have to look at the really hard shit that happened and give yourself some credit for not being there anymore, but you have to heal it so that you can enjoy the beauty of a healthy relationship. You deserve this relationship and you deserve to heal from your past. Trust yourself again and tell your intrusive thoughts to fuck off!!

The biggest thing that I hope comes from all of this self awareness and growth is that I still have time to show my kids something different than what they have seen to this point. In relationships with the big 4 they have learned what a relationship is not supposed to look like, but do they know that? I’ve shown them its ok to be disrespected, intimidated, scared, codependent and small. I’ve shown them that men are supposed to treat women like property and that if you love someone you do your best to love them through abuse with the hope that they will change, even if it tears your life and your kids lives apart. I know this is what they’ve learned because I have seen the relationships they’ve been in and how things have gone; I’ve seen the way they talk to each other and to me, and its not good. I know there is negative self talk going on, low self esteem and body image issues, and I did that because that’s what I was showing them. I hear the verbal attacks and them going straight to the hot button that’s going to hurt the most. It’s been very triggering for me at times, but I am also learning to have healthy boundaries with the kids. I do better some days than others. My main goal right now is to just disengage from the conversation when the verbal diarrhoea starts. For them some of it is going to take them going on their own healing journey and to be aware of what they are doing and allowing, but some of I’m hoping to change by demonstrating something different, something better. It breaks my heart that because of that they have lived through with me they have a long road. I will do my best in a non-defensive way to talk to them as they want and take accountability for what they’ve learned because of my choices. That will only carry them so far because it going to take each them wanting to have something different than what they’ve seen. Its never too late to start and if they start now, they’re way ahead of me!

Working on myself, learning my worth and changing my internal dialogue has been, and continues to be, one the hardest things I’ve done in my life, but look what its gotten me. While I was in a negative mind set and my dysfunctional, toxic ways I wouldn’t have been able to maintain the relationship I’m in now. Healthy people don’t want to be in unhealthy relationships. They have boundaries and honest respectful communication; they aren’t going to stick around with someone that isn’t giving the same back. The only reason things are where they are for me now because of all the work I’ve been doing. I have really bad days sometimes and the beauty of a healthy relationship is he also understands that I’m human and that it happens. He loves me through it and reminds me that I’ve got this. I’m not saying he’s perfect because he’s had off days too and I do the same for him, and that is perfect because even on the hard days we know and see the person and know that this is just a blip. If anyone that’s read this is in a similar boat, you’re not alone. I’m my own worst enemy too, but it is getting better, and better the more time I spend working on it. If there’s hope for me there’s hope for anybody. I think one of the best things you can do for your kids is show them real life, in the healthiest way possible. Adults disagree and it doesn’t have to be mean. People make mistakes, and they own up to it and apologize. Partners show love and respect to each other and learn from their mistakes together. Its not too late to show your kids how things should be, and that’s always going to start with you and your healing journey. Remember its not about what you did, its about what you do next!