I Wanted Lots of Babies not Lots of Teenager

Can we talk about teenagers for a second? I don’t think that it really matters what generation you’re from; being a teenager is really fucking hard. I’ve raised one, have three in the house and still two more on the way, I don’t know if I had it harder or they do. Why do kids seem so much older than they actually are? Does all the ways parenting has changed over the years really make a difference and if it does is it a positive or negative difference? Is it even possible not to screw our kids up no matter how hard we try? Here comes another rant I guess hahaha.

My parents were teenagers in the 60’s and 70’s. They were two very different kinds of teen though. My mom was a really good kid. She tried smoking and smoking marijuana and drinking but none of that really interested her. She was more interested in her extracurriculars, working and helping with her siblings. I don’t know any stories of my dad as a teenager, but he looked like the quintessential 70’s rockstar. He had long hair, platform boots, leather jacket, and a motorcycle. I’m sure he got up to his fair share of no good. He may have been a help to my mom once my sister and I were teens, seeing as my mom was so good that the things, I got away with never crossed her mind as something anyone would do.

Me as a teenager, I’d say I probably took more after my dad. I definitely got myself into trouble. When I was 14, I was caught shoplifting, brought to the police station, had mug shots taken and I was finger printed. Way to start off my teens with a bang. If I’m really honest people would likely tell you that I wasn’t all that bad. I was never suspended from school, but that was likely because I wasn’t there enough to get into any trouble. The only fist fight I got into was once with my sister. I only ran away twice, haha. For the most part I crushed hard on boys, hung out at the mall, or a billiards, or a parking lot or at someone’s house. There was a lot of loitering involved with being a teenager in the 90’s. As a teenager I smoked, I drank, I did drugs, I went to parties, I snuck out, and I’m sure a lot more. That was all just the stuff I was doing. What was going on inside me was even harder.

First time I acknowledged I was depressed I was 15. I don’t mean the dramatic way, and saying I’m soooooo depressed, because some boy I liked didn’t like me back. I mean full on depression. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning and when I finally did, I wouldn’t even bother to get dressed. I really didn’t care anymore if my mom knew I didn’t go to school. I would cry all day sometimes and not even know why I was crying. I was told teenagers don’t get depressed so I had no idea what was wrong with me. I had major body image issues, that actually carry on today. People really need to stop commenting on other people’s weights, its not ok and can do lasting damage. A lot of time I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I was constantly trying to make sure I was liked because I was sure no one would like me for me. Even my wonderful best friend, who has seen every side of me, I was afraid she was going to find someone better and move on. My codependent and people pleasing ways started young. I didn’t feel like my mom understood me and to be fair I still don’t think she did because of how good she was. There were other things going on to other people I knew, my friends, and I would carry the weight of their emotions of too. I had many friends in and out of juvie for breaking into cars and homes. I had friends on trial for sexual assault. That one is crazy because those boys were only 12-13 at the time. Some of my friends had really awful home lives. There are many success stories once we all grew up but I think I also know more people that have done hard time and/or are addicts or have been murdered than most people outside of the area I grew up.

Two shows that are supposed to depict what its like to be a teenager today are Euphoria and 13 Reasons Why. I’ve watched 13 Reasons a couple of times. If you haven’t watched it and you have teenagers you should. It’s a hard watch but a lot of the issues that they cover, that lead to Hannah Baker (spoiler alert) to commit suicide are really happening in the kids’ schools. Cyber bullies, bullies in general parties with drugs and drinking, drug addiction, rumours, stalkers, sexual assaults and the list goes on. The only thing that I didn’t see when I was a teenager was cyber bullying. That’s new to kids today. Bullies were bad enough, but now they can be nameless and faceless and telling you to kill yourself. So much is going on right under parents’ noses and they’re are completely oblivious. I know about all of these things are I’m still oblivious. I try to stay connected to the kids but I can guarantee there is a ton going on that I have no clue about. Euphoria, I think, is more sensationalized but the issues are there. This one also includes gender identity, which I’m not going to get into. If you want to see some of what our kids are facing, I suggest checking them out.

With all the craziness of the world it makes sense that we want to protect and shelter our kids. I think its pretty normal to want to give them everything and set them up better than we were, but how much sheltering is too much? The world can be a rough place and employers are not going to coddle our kids the way we do. How much reality do we give them? We live in an age of participation ribbons when they need to learn that there is a winner and a loser, and that sometime no matter how hard you try, you fail. Where I live is also impossibly expensive. How are these up and coming adults supposed to be able to manage real life with rent and bills. Do we charge the kids rent so they learn that housing is an expense they can’t get out of? Despite being 48 and living as an adult taking care of myself for 29 years, I’m not making it anymore, so, how am I to expect my teens will be able to one day. Once upon a time once you became an adult you left home. Now kids are staying home until their 30’s. Who is that for? Who is that helping? Is that because we’re still protecting them from the “real world” or is it because we can’t financially afford for them to leave.

I don’t have any of the answers. I have one son that is on his own and has been for 10 years and he’s doing well for himself (pat on the back mom because I am going to take a tiny bit of credit for the man he is today). I have one that’s 19 living at home, making more money than I am but only helping out a faction of the cost of living. To be fair to him that is changing because like I said I’m not making it anymore. I have a daughter that’s 18 and unless I help her get on disability, I won’t see an income from her. Maybe mental health will be a rant for another day. She is also planning on moving out. I wish her all the luck in the world! My last teenager is 14 so obviously not financially contributing. My last 2 are just kids still, but will be teens before I know it. Beyond money I have no idea how to parent these kids. They are all so different, so they all get a different mom. I have taken so, so many parenting classes and workshops and my parenting is vastly different now than it was 28 years ago. In some ways I do things so much better now than I did, sorry Stephen. That’s inevitable with experience. In other ways I think I did a good job the first go around and these kids have a softer or a busier or a more tired mom than I used to be so a lot more is sliding through the cracks. I have told my kids it honestly doesn’t matter how good I am, I’m going to screw them up somehow, that’s going to need therapy. The facilitator in one parenting class I took a couple of years ago said a couple of things that have stuck with me. First, if you can get it right 30% of the time, you’re doing really good. Second, its not what you did, its what you do next. So, even though I’m going to screw up its how I handle the next thing I do. Maybe that is one thing that I’ve done that will help prepare these kids for the real world; when I do mess up, I do say it and apologize. Accountability is a good lesson! And it’s a good next!

Anyway, that’s about all I have to say about this for now. I’m sure at some point I’ll have more to say about teens seeing as I have 3 in the house and 2 more on the way. If anyone has the secret or the hack or the ultimate guide to raising tiny humans into being good people, could you let me know? I’m out here winging the whole…. flying by the seat of my pants. Don’t know how its all going to turn out, but I will let you know, hahaha.