Ghosts of Boyfriends Past: When they just won’t go away
- Dione Mingo
- Aug 12, 2024
- 11 min read
Can we talk about when exes just won’t go away for a minute? Breaking up is never fun and often its complicated. As a kid the worst thing about breaking up was having to see the person in school the next day. As an adult dating someone and making a clean break is probably the easiest scenario but that is not the way it goes when you end a relationship. If you were married, had kids or lived together things can get really messy. There is something to be said for ignorance…you know the bliss thing. When I ended my marriage and left Kelowna we were both unaware that he could have stopped me by making an application to court. I had no idea that I wasn’t allowed to just move 300km away with the kids. Don’t get me wrong, there was notice I didn’t leave in the middle of the night or anything. Beyond that we didn’t even do any kind of division of assets or debts. We both just took what we wanted and were on our way. There was no messy division of properties and since I had the kids it was just making a parenting plan (that has never really worked well for us). I’m actually not even divorced yet because I’m not getting married so I’m in no hurry to spend money I don’t have on making it official. I guess in the grand scheme of things I got off really easy in that break up. Even though we are still managing the family court crap I am glad that things have been relatively easy with him because we are indefinitely a part of each others lives for the rest of our lives. He’s not the one that won’t go away, because he cant, we have kids. What I’m talking about it far messier and scarier than my ex husband.
It’s been no secret that I have had some really shitty relationship, and the worst one by far is the one I’m going to talk about. It wasn’t until I started to consider my own mental health as a top priority and started to heal in therapy and work on my boundaries that I saw how bad things were. I started to figure out what I was and was not going to allow any more and I wasn’t going to continue to be abused by anyone in any relationship. One incidence when I was really starting to hold my own boundaries, I received 40 texts and almost as many phone calls while I was at work and had asked for some space; that is not ok. I remember that night I had a great night at work. I met some life long friends and made a great career connection and none of it would have been possible if I was still in the abuse cycle. I would have been answering calls, trying to make him see I wasn’t cheating and hiding anything, while crying. I likely wouldn’t have gotten another job if that was the way things went. Although, the beginning of the end happened years before that night, that was the end of the end. It only took another week to finally be done with him. The United Nations Website defines "Domestic Abuse, also called "domestic violence" or "intimate partner violence", can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economical or psychological actions or threats of action that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels." The government of British Columbia website gives some startling facts. Women are 3 times more likely than men to experience intimate partner violence (IPV) and 80% of case go unreported to the police. The Government of Canada website describes 8 types of IPV. Physical abuse, criminal harassment (stalking), sexual violence, emotional/psychological abuse, spiritual abuse, reproductive coercion, coercive control and cyber violence. If you check out the website it goes into further detail the definition of each one. Some of them may not be what you think. Out of the 8 they list I experienced 5 of them, consistently, in that one relationships; one of the eight continued after I ended thing. Can you guess? If not I’ll tell you…Criminal harassment/ stalking, and that shit is no joke.
According to stats Canada 8 out of 10 victims of stalking are women and 9 out of 10 stalkers are men. 88% of stalkers know their victims. I can tell you from experience that it doesn't only happen after the relationship ends, and if it's going on while you are still in a relationship, well its a pretty good indication that you are going to have to take steps to protect yourself after. During the relationship it was the constant text messages and phone calls, that wouldn't stop coming if I didn't answer right away. For years I fell prey to this and would answer, It wasn't only that one time at the end of the relationship. It was something that started almost immediately. I'd be trying to work while quietly crying through his onslaught of texts and phone calls; all I could do was tell him that I can't talk right now. His need to see my location on snapchat, or having my location on while I was on hikes to prove I wasn't cheating and I was where I said I was, was only a glimpse of what was to come. Checking my search history on the computer or hacking my social media accounts to see who I was talking to was bad enough, at the peak he called my boss at 3 am to confirm that I had worked that night. All of that is bad enough, but it got so much worse.
After I ended the relationship, I did what I have always done and tried to make things be as amicable as possible. I wanted to be able to both move on with our lives and maybe even be friends after some healing. I was delusional when the relationship first ended. Although I knew things were bad, and I had spoken to only a few of my inner circle about it, it wasn’t until I was out of it for awhile that I started seeing how bad things really were. After the relationship was over and I was setting strong boundaries for me and the kids, things escalated to a terrifying level. I saw his car, parked close to the house, over night. He was watching the house and my comings and goings. I was later told by one of my children that one time when I left he called and said “your mom just left, where did she go?” my child said they didn’t know maybe out to get a coke at the store? He told them that he would call back when I returned and he wanted my child to come and ask me where I went and then call him back and tell him. Twice, that I know of, he snuck on to the property at night. He hid and slept until we had all left and then he came into the house. He didn’t realize I had an inside camera pointing outside. He tried to tell me that one of the times the police came with him and escorted him on to the property so he could sleep. I called the police and asked about this. I was told there was no record of this and this was not something officers have the authority to so, especially with my having to call the police several times to have him removed. I naturally blocked him from being able to phone me or contact me through our social medias but he could use email. I don’t think you can block someone in email but some line had to be left open because we did have break up business to attend to (who gets what, kind of stuff), and I was, like I said, delusional and still thought I could help him with some other matters and possibly be friends one day. In the first 3 weeks post his leaving the house I received 240 emails. I’d only answer those that were to do with business at hand but most were not. Some started to get very threatening and I ask him to stop contacting me, but he persisted. I tried to set up a time for him to come and collect his belonging and made it clear that he was only to come to the house when I was there and that I would also have someone else there as witness and for my protection. FOR MY PROTECTION! How did I go from being in a committed relationship to needing protection. He showed up while only the kids where home and scared them; that didn’t respect my wishes to wait. That was how things got to a place of me needing protection. I was told by the police and several friends, that had been in contact with him, that they feared for my safety. One of his good friends took the time to call me to tell me he was worried and asked if I had a safe place to go or was there anyone around that I could call for help. Another friend, after talking to him, suggested I check inside my vehicle and the tires before I going anywhere, for fear he’d be in the van or would have slashed my tires. These are people that, at least at one time, held him in high regard. The police were concerned because, in the officers words, “he’s fixated on you”. It became routine for officers to drive down my street and in the neighborhood because they were worried that he would try something. Airing dirty laundry isn’t what I’m really wanting to do here, I wanted to give a couple of example of why I was afraid and continue to be. I also want to explain how the abuse in the relationship and the harassment and stalking after, left me feeling and how I still feel.
For years now, in this area, life has been difficult. I felt like I was making progress in therapy, finally. Years of fear and anxiety, but finally my rational brain was starting to break through, because he didn’t live anywhere near me, so I didn’t have to worry he was watching. Didn’t live anywhere near me, but that has changed…he’s back. I read over my victim impact statement that the judge read to him when he was sentences for criminal harassment. I was disappointed that a lot of the ways I was feeling way back then are still true. I do my best to not let it get to me so others around me don’t have to worry, but a lot of anxiety and fear is still here. I am constantly scanning to see if he is near. I can’t even go grocery shopping without being very aware of everyone around me. I have reason to believe that my house, is again, being watched and I have yet again bought more security cameras; this time for the front of the house. I have noticed an increase of someone honking their horn when they drive past the house and I can’t help but wonder. I have not had a panic attack in quite a while but one was starting to brew recently when my amazing partner helped ground me, brought me back to reality and helped me feel safe. The nightmares, are back though. I had 2 last week that I was being followed and woke up sweating. I watch cars behind me to see if they are following me, and I look at every person that is walking along on the street. The few times I thought someone was him my heart starts to race, its hard to see straight, my mouth dries up and I can’t swallow. This is no way to live, for me or my children.
I do my very best to not burden my kids with my heavy stuff. It is not their job to be my caretaker. It is my job to be theirs. I have listened to all the things the kids have had to say about him, the life we had with him and the current situation. All 6 are so much happier now. I have, through legal channels, tried to make it clear that my children do not want to have a relationship with him, and yet he continues to find loop holes to attempt contact with them. They are just as unhappy to hear that he is living in our area as I am. It is so sad to listen to them talk about having to watch the crowds and to be afraid of what will happen if they see him. They are young and should be able to enjoy being young and hanging out with their friends without the worry or fear that they will be approached by someone they don’t ever want to see again. I feel helpless that I can’t fix this or help them feel safe. I can only arm them with information and safety plans for when they go out. I don’t think there is much else can do for them or myself. As a mom that’s really hard because they shouldn’t have to be experiencing this at all. I dragged them through an abusive relationship. One that they were victims to the abuse too, and when I smartened up and ended it, that should have ended it. Instead, here we all are still having to deal with mom’s bad choices. Bullshit is the only way to describe this situation, utter bullshit.
So, what is there to do? I have no clue. Beside my serious contemplation of leaving the province all together I don’t think there is much I can do. The legal system isn’t great. I have made so many police reports. With every report he is called and reminded to stay away. And still the friend requests and liking social media posts, and false accounts keep coming. Police won’t do something unless he officially breaches and he’s gotten very good at using the loop holes. I fear that he will do something to me or one of the kids. My personal safety is the price that may have to be paid before the police will do anything, and so the fear persists. You might be wondering, why if I’m so afraid am I putting this out there on my very public blog? Firstly, for the same reason I have written every one. If there is someone out there going through the same things, I want them to feel less alone. He is a scary individual that has done terrible things and has treated me and my children in terrible ways, but we are all still here. I am taking my power back by breaking my silence. The more people know the less likely he will do anything and if he does it will be easy to figure out who did it. I may continue to have anxiety but I’m not going to stop living. When the protection order expires, I will get another one and I will keep getting another every time it expires for the rest of my life if I have to. I will take comfort in the times that I do feel safe, knowing that I am truly happy with the direction my life is taking and the people that are coming with me. I hope that he can move on and be happy in his life. I hope he learns from our time together the way that I have and does better in the future for the people in his life, but mostly I hope he gets the hint and finally realizes there is not one person in my immediate or extended family that wants anything to do with him so its best if he moves on and stops trying. It would probably also be a good idea of he found a new life not so close to his old one. But that’s just my opinion.
Comments